Hope & Fear

Wishing to be free
Like a penguin ready to make its first dive.  

But afraid to make mistakes.
Distrust of myself.  
Afraid to take a leap without their voices going for me.  
Afraid to step out from under their wings.  

I’m afraid.  
What if’s cloud my mind. 
I stop, stop to check what I’m doing.  
So upset, my heart is pulled to pieces. 

Thinking I know what I want, but afraid to go for it.  
Am I going the right way? 
If only I knew exactly what You wanted Lord.   

God You say touch nothing unclean.  
But how do you save the broken, give a home to the lost, a hand to the helpless?  
What can I do?  
You don’t intend for me to always remain stuck under their wings do you?  

You care for these lost sheep, 
You have a nearly unbelievable heart of compassion, 
I know it because that’s what you wrote about.  

Once I felt like I could hurt them to finality.  
But I don’t want to.  
I still love them, and want them to have their own lives.  
Even if I’ve chosen a different way of being to them.  

But Lord, You’re the true Unity, 
You’re the only One who can make a way for us 
to love one another without suffocating the other.  

I can, I can step out from under their wing.  
But I’m so damn afraid, what’s wrong with me.  
Comparing this to the feeling of stepping off a cliff.  

Will I regret?  
Will I crash at the bottom, or will I experience the flight before the refreshing touch of the water below?  
Only You know.  
Please lead me Lord, and lead him too.  

Remember that time when I literally did jump.  
Remembering I push my patients through their fears.  
So I had to challenge myself to jump off the cliff into the water below.  
Knowing it was safe. That You’d catch me in the water on the other end.  

So Lord, I’ll trust in Your hands, 
that are much greater than mine or anything I could possibly come up with.
No scheming could ever be greater than your ways and your thoughts.  

I know how they’ll respond if I jump into these dreams or decide to hold this hand.  
They’ll be angry.  They’ll fight with me till there’s no more energy left in either of us.  
But would they remain that way forever?  
Would it give them a heart attack? Would it break their heart?  Or would it be good for them?  

I don’t know Lord, I really don’t know.  
I hate this racism, that separates us.  
A literal gap between worlds.  
A conflict that appears to have no resolution.   

If only I could do all things in my life with a reassurance that You’re behind it all.  
With my spendings of time, energy & money. 
Could you back me up?  
How do I know?  

But I’ll trust in You.
  Forever, through eternity.  

Pure love

Like you had/have for me Lord.
Like the sadness but budding joy of a sister reunited with a brother in a tight embrace after she forgot his birthday. 
The moments when you were appreciated for just being, with no effort of your own. 

The love that doesn’t demand or need anything in return. 
The unconditional, compassionate kind.
Free from ulterior motives. 
But how necessary, how vital and life saving.

This is what I live for.

When people try to love those who are difficult to love.
Without suffocating either of the parties involved. 
Help me be childlike in wonder and love.
Believing in the better but not destroyed when one doesn’t meet up.
Looking out for others, leaning an ear, lending a hand. 
Praying and never giving up. 

Letting your Spirit transform our minds from what made me hate or malicious, to love and love again. 

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.” 2 Corinthians 4:7-10 NIV

Will you listen to me speak.
But even louder than my words may you listen to our hearts. 
Strengthening us along the way. Helping us bear each battle as we go. 

“May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely if even death separates you and me.” – Ruth 1:17 

You see the truth, you know our hearts through and though. 
Listen to our cries, in sincerity whether or not we hide it in a tough exterior.  
Build us up as we feel like everything has been torn apart in front of beneath us.
Thank you for giving me a friend.

You are our King.
You are most High.
You are Lord of all Lords.
But you teach me to respect and love those put in authority. To serve with my whole heart.
I’ll try to do my best. 

If that’s all I do, let your love show.

Truth is

I’m struggling. Sneaking up on me, are all these flooding thoughts like am I good enough, am I pretty enough for him. I want to share my life with him, I don’t want to wander again and again not knowing the truth. Fighting just to keep up with what they want. 

I want to love him with my everything, serving him, helping him, listening to him and sharing with him.  Would he be deterred by my messiness, clumsiness, stupidity or exterior?  Could I ever be enough for him?  All I know is I’d want to be like the woman in proverbs and have the beautiful faithfulness and braveness of the women Mary and Hannah.  

I really wonder sometimes is that why she gave up?  Because she couldn’t find her way and find someone who’d love her just the way she was? She was beautiful, if only I could’ve helped her fight some of those wars, through the darkness that must’ve plagued her mind as I know it did once for what seemed a lifetime in me.  I’ll never know the truth except if I get the chance to ask God in heaven. 

O God help convict hearts where there is wrong. You know every truth.  You see the pain when even a brother or sister says something without thinking. What pain they inflict when they judge and say you’re the bad guy, you’re the guy on the cross throwing insults at Jesus and goes to hell, you’re the one that he’ll say you weren’t a good and faithful servant.  How could they, then they run back and ask are they the bad guy? How could they? 

Just help me with your Holy Spirit to be brave enough to stop that chain of hurt and start believing in the better of people, the potential we all have to love one another.  Help me help people grow rather than thinking of malicious ways to talk back or get back at them somehow.  Let me see their struggle, hug them and pray for them.  Help me face those I’m so fearful to face because I can’t help but have bad thoughts about them. Forgive me for the thoughts I sometimes indulge in Lord. 

May your thoughts always be higher than my thoughts, may your ways be higher than my ways.  

“Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you— for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others.” Ecclesiastes 7:21-22 NIV

Let me remember that – so I don’t take to heart again what they say. Instead being patient and compassionate as you have called me to be. 



He say’s blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God.  Whose pure in this world Lord but a child?  Can I return to being like them?  

Some things and people I wanted, to stay.  When pain of losing or wanting someone so badly came before me, You helped me hold it through.  You brought me through the darkest of days.  

They tried to control me through their fear tactics but none of that would do.  You gave me hope, You pulled me out of the hole, away from the storm.  And now you surround me with such good company.  Company that appreciate me for just being, even just sharing laughs.  They remind me of my purpose, that I was made to build others up, to remember the Greatest Joy, the Greatest Love behind life.  

Now as I wait, I wait hopefully.  Without a hesitation of doubt, although I don’t know what’s coming, I know I can trust in Him.  To whoever He brings into my life I will trust He is doing His work.  

I honestly can’t see, I can’t see what’s coming, I don’t even know if I can trust my own feelings, but all I know is He is good in every season.  He gave me only what I could bare and slowly built me up for every trial.  I’m so thankful for Him.  

Far from perfect, far from being a picture of success or whatever, but he reminds me of who I am in Him, made pure again and again even after falling.  Please don’t let me make it a license for sin but a celebration of being able to return to him after feeling lower than dirt.  

They don’t understand, they don’t see, but it’s okay they don’t need to.  You know, You see the truth.