I’m struggling. Sneaking up on me, are all these flooding thoughts like am I good enough, am I pretty enough for him. I want to share my life with him, I don’t want to wander again and again not knowing the truth. Fighting just to keep up with what they want.
I want to love him with my everything, serving him, helping him, listening to him and sharing with him. Would he be deterred by my messiness, clumsiness, stupidity or exterior? Could I ever be enough for him? All I know is I’d want to be like the woman in proverbs and have the beautiful faithfulness and braveness of the women Mary and Hannah.
I really wonder sometimes is that why she gave up? Because she couldn’t find her way and find someone who’d love her just the way she was? She was beautiful, if only I could’ve helped her fight some of those wars, through the darkness that must’ve plagued her mind as I know it did once for what seemed a lifetime in me. I’ll never know the truth except if I get the chance to ask God in heaven.
O God help convict hearts where there is wrong. You know every truth. You see the pain when even a brother or sister says something without thinking. What pain they inflict when they judge and say you’re the bad guy, you’re the guy on the cross throwing insults at Jesus and goes to hell, you’re the one that he’ll say you weren’t a good and faithful servant. How could they, then they run back and ask are they the bad guy? How could they?
Just help me with your Holy Spirit to be brave enough to stop that chain of hurt and start believing in the better of people, the potential we all have to love one another. Help me help people grow rather than thinking of malicious ways to talk back or get back at them somehow. Let me see their struggle, hug them and pray for them. Help me face those I’m so fearful to face because I can’t help but have bad thoughts about them. Forgive me for the thoughts I sometimes indulge in Lord.
May your thoughts always be higher than my thoughts, may your ways be higher than my ways.
“Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you— for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others.” Ecclesiastes 7:21-22 NIV
Let me remember that – so I don’t take to heart again what they say. Instead being patient and compassionate as you have called me to be.